GTP
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I got hit with it again today! Damn thing deleted my attachement! (again) Lol
Humor Section!
- Thread starter TechLady
- Start date
GTP
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GTP
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 9,830
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this officer.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this officer.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
GTP
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- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
Things I've learned as I grow older:
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ar*eholes.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes.
After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never seem to go away.
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ar*eholes.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes.
After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never seem to go away.
GTP
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- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 58 years!”
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 58 years!”
GTP
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- Adelaide, Australia
OK, so the ladies cop heaps - especially "blondes!"
SO IT'S "LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES" TIME . .
1. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough!
3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
4. Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they
don't work.
6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle; we lie awake-they snore!
7. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
9. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
11. What did God say after creating man?
I could have done so much better!
12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
16. Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your
masterpiece.
17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
18. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing?
SO IT'S "LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES" TIME . .
1. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough!
3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
4. Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they
don't work.
6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle; we lie awake-they snore!
7. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
9. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
11. What did God say after creating man?
I could have done so much better!
12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
16. Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your
masterpiece.
17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
18. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing?
GTP
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- 9,830
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
What Is Globalisation?
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalisation?
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese or Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Maltese wharfies, and trucked to you by Kiwi truckdrivers!
That, my friends, is Globalisation!
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalisation?
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese or Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Maltese wharfies, and trucked to you by Kiwi truckdrivers!
That, my friends, is Globalisation!
GTP
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- Reaction score
- 9,830
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
A women walked into her kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with the flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Swatting flies, obviously!" He replied.
"Have you killed any?" She asked.
"Yes, he proudly boasted!" "2 males and 3 females!"
"How do you know if they're males or females? She asked quizzically.
"It's easy! The males were on the beer can and the females were on the phone!"
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Swatting flies, obviously!" He replied.
"Have you killed any?" She asked.
"Yes, he proudly boasted!" "2 males and 3 females!"
"How do you know if they're males or females? She asked quizzically.
"It's easy! The males were on the beer can and the females were on the phone!"
Last edited:
Altster
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And thank goodness for that.
Without humor our lives would be __________________________(fill in the blank)
Altster
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- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
The wimmin might like 'em, tho!
Altster
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When I was in grade "skule" living in South Bend, Indiana (USA) at the time, one of my friends father had one of those cars (his was a convertible) and I had the good fortune of going for a ride in it. I cannot remember what the ride was like (too many days have passed) but I know it was "neat!"
Altster
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- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Luckily for me, I was born in 1951 - so there!
Altster
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Case in point: SOCIAL MEDIA
NYJimbo
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Tickle Me Elmo with no fur
Haha.
Reminds me of a time I repaired a Furby once, for a customer's kid. It's amazing what a difference a little fur (or lack of it) makes.
Edit: Hmmmm. The forum doesn't seem to display the animated gif above properly. If you can't see it, here it is:
http://mkerala.com/di/76D7/furby-repair.gif
coffee
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- United States
Techs on Taxes
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