Over the last few years, I have investigated the origins of that great country, and have come across a number of factual discrepancies concerning the early years.
What we do know, is that in the early 18th century, Great Britain was overrun with petty thieves, liars, cheats, murderers, lawyers and accountants.
Such was the problem with jailing such villains, that an entire city was set aside for their incarceration. And so Manchester was born.
Over time, even Manchester became over populated with the detritus of civilised society, and the villainy began to overspill into neighbouring regions such as Bolton and Altringham.
So with a heavy heart, funding was made available to despatch this human trash overseas, and so a huge ship was commissioned to transport the worst of these scumbags to a foreign land.
And so such a land was chosen.
A grim inhospitable place where god had clearly given it up as a bad idea, and simply walked away, leaving it to its own fate.
A quagmire of lost hope where the sun shone down with contempt, and it's only joy being to set again as fast as geographically possible.
And so, several months later, after a long and arduous trip, the great ship laid anchor in the Hudson River, and the crew went ashore.
It was here that they met the local Mexican inhabitants, who welcomed them and showed them how to survive. And so they did,... on a diet of refried beans and chillies.
The crew lasted 2 weeks before they could stomach it no longer (for many, quite literally)
And so they left.
The Mexicans, upon seeing the visitors leave, heaved a huge sigh of relief, muttered the Mexican equivalent of "thank god for that", binned the beans, cracked open the beers and ordered takeaway pizza.
And so the story continued. The ship journeyed long distances but failed to find a birth in which to build a proper prison to hold the human cargo.
And thus, did the ship reach Botany Bay.
The ship anchored, and a deputation was about to make landfall, when a small group of the local indigenous locals arrived, and duly threw boomerang shaped things at the ship.
One of these just missed the captain and duly buried itself into the mast.
On closer scrutiny, it was discovered that the object had a message attached.
It was at this point, that the captain took a decision that was to shape the country, nay, the entire planet for generations to come.
He couldn't read the note, so he gave it to one of the convict lawyers to translate.
Sir Cedric D'Cadishead read the note, performed the translation and was about to relay this to the captain, but it is now believed the the following happened.
With a mischievous and malevolent smile, grin, whatever, of which he had practiced long and hard at law school, he relayed the message as follows
"Welcome to Australia, mi casa es su casa"
And as this was now interpreted as a legal document, the visitors interpreted it as an open invitation to "have their way" with the country.
The message itself was quickly sealed away in a casket and archived for posterity, partly for longevity,..... but mostly to stop people correctly translating the original message, which was this......
"F*** off you British bastards, and take those Mancunian scumbags with you"
And so was a country forged.
What we do know, is that in the early 18th century, Great Britain was overrun with petty thieves, liars, cheats, murderers, lawyers and accountants.
Such was the problem with jailing such villains, that an entire city was set aside for their incarceration. And so Manchester was born.
Over time, even Manchester became over populated with the detritus of civilised society, and the villainy began to overspill into neighbouring regions such as Bolton and Altringham.
So with a heavy heart, funding was made available to despatch this human trash overseas, and so a huge ship was commissioned to transport the worst of these scumbags to a foreign land.
And so such a land was chosen.
A grim inhospitable place where god had clearly given it up as a bad idea, and simply walked away, leaving it to its own fate.
A quagmire of lost hope where the sun shone down with contempt, and it's only joy being to set again as fast as geographically possible.
And so, several months later, after a long and arduous trip, the great ship laid anchor in the Hudson River, and the crew went ashore.
It was here that they met the local Mexican inhabitants, who welcomed them and showed them how to survive. And so they did,... on a diet of refried beans and chillies.
The crew lasted 2 weeks before they could stomach it no longer (for many, quite literally)
And so they left.
The Mexicans, upon seeing the visitors leave, heaved a huge sigh of relief, muttered the Mexican equivalent of "thank god for that", binned the beans, cracked open the beers and ordered takeaway pizza.
And so the story continued. The ship journeyed long distances but failed to find a birth in which to build a proper prison to hold the human cargo.
And thus, did the ship reach Botany Bay.
The ship anchored, and a deputation was about to make landfall, when a small group of the local indigenous locals arrived, and duly threw boomerang shaped things at the ship.
One of these just missed the captain and duly buried itself into the mast.
On closer scrutiny, it was discovered that the object had a message attached.
It was at this point, that the captain took a decision that was to shape the country, nay, the entire planet for generations to come.
He couldn't read the note, so he gave it to one of the convict lawyers to translate.
Sir Cedric D'Cadishead read the note, performed the translation and was about to relay this to the captain, but it is now believed the the following happened.
With a mischievous and malevolent smile, grin, whatever, of which he had practiced long and hard at law school, he relayed the message as follows
"Welcome to Australia, mi casa es su casa"
And as this was now interpreted as a legal document, the visitors interpreted it as an open invitation to "have their way" with the country.
The message itself was quickly sealed away in a casket and archived for posterity, partly for longevity,..... but mostly to stop people correctly translating the original message, which was this......
"F*** off you British bastards, and take those Mancunian scumbags with you"
And so was a country forged.
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